bras and boobs

Wait, it turns out that I have something else to talk about today. I went last night, on the recommendation of 3-4 friends and Oprah, to Intimacy to get a bra fitting. "It expensive," my friends told me, "but it is worth every penny." "You just have to have 2-3 of them and they last forever," one of my most-trusted friends attested two years post-fitting. "They're the only bras I ever wear." "Once you know what size you are, you don't have to shop there anymore," they swore. I decided to give it a shot.
When you get there, they make you fill out a little questionairre. It wants to know why you have come in to be fit and what your bra dissatisfactions are. Also it asks, "Do you believe that a bra can change your life?" I checked "no." I don't believe a bra can change my life. But, I do believe that it's unreasonable for me to spend every day of my life being torn between wanting to rip my bra off and trample upon it and wanting not to have the crazy hanging-down boobs of hippies and other non-bra wearers. It's not just aesthetics, people, the non-bra option isn't comfortable either. It's not just the sweat caused by skin touching skin, it's also the...we'll call it "jostling." You ladies hear me, right?
Anyway, back to my story: So, I fill out the questionairre: I have a problem with slipping straps, I have a problem with digging wires, I just want to be comfortable, it wouldn't hurt if it were also cute, etc. Secretly, I am un-convinced. I suspect that they will confirm the size I've worn since I was 13 (36B) and then follow it up by guilting me into spending a jillion dollars. So, my fitter comes to retrieve me, after just a little while (only because I went on a Monday night). It's hot, because, for some reason, Atlanta's swankiest mall is having AC problems. All the better for beating the crowds. Now, here's the magic secret part, people. I'm going to disclose my fitting. Are you ready? Get ready.
The fitter says that they don't use measuring tapes, that they just try bras on you to fit them. So, of course, I start by taking off my shirt. (Step number 1: remove your shirt). The fitter talks about things. There are posters on the wall with common bra misconceptions. She comes around behind me to pinch the main strap part of my bra off my back about 4 inches. This is surprisingly more comfortable. She points out that my little strap guy is on the last hook already and clearly much to big, so, first alteration made. 34, not 36. (Step number 2: pinch the back strap of your bra until the thing is snug. note whether or not you're using the first hook or the last hook. use this information to determine your little number). I assume that, if you are on the last hook and already you have a lot of squeezing going on, you may need to make changes somewhere besides the little number. It's possible that you would be allowed to increase the number but I suspect that this is a rare problem. So, having watched Oprah, I knew that most people need to go down in number and up in cup size so this didn't surprise me but I'd tried a 34C before and it felt too tight. So, the lady, at this point, told me that my back is small. I told her that I have a problem wherein the cups never totally encompass on the sides, that they need to be wider, not deeper. She doesn't look surprised. I suspect that there are other things I missed because of my particular problems that the lady would pinch and observe, based on obvious problems that people have but, somehow, I suspect that this job is intuitive, once you know the tricks. Someone with digging straps would need to let us know about that problem but, based on the information on the wall, I would anticipate that all problems are caused by not having enough grabby-grabby by the main strap or not having enough coverage by the cups. OK, so, something that I should have mentioned before now that was the most shocking part of the fitting is that the next step is for the lady to unceremoniously whip off the bra of the fittee and look critically at her breasts. (Step 3: Remove bra and examine breast shape.) At this point, my lady (who was somewhat grumpy about the heat) pointed out a couple of (apparently magical knowledge) things that I won't mention and left me in the dressing room, completely topless, for about 10 years. OK, it wasn't 10 years but it was a long time that she was gone. I guess it was the heat that caused her not to recommend that I don the little coat hanging on the back of the door but I felt very strange. There was no place to sit down but there was a big mirror and kind of a lot of reading material on the walls. I got used to it eventually but I was a little unsettled, standing and reading information about bras (including some fascinating diagrams) without my clothes. Now, the lady returned with bras of various sizes for me to try. (Step 4: Try various sizes of bra, based on your assessments so far. Don't be afraid to go two sizes up in cup size.) The rest of the game was obvious. The 34D bras looked terrific on me and felt like I had finally come home. I think that, at this point, you should be checking for strap at mid-back and shoulder straps resting comfortably on shoulders but, if you're wearing the bra, it's easy to tell that things have improved substantially. The 34C, as was my previous experience, was still too tight but it was because the cups were too small. Who knew? This is why the "try on everything" section is important. I think it's probably tough to know exactly what the problem is. For my next chapter (after my bank account has filled back up again), I'm going to try on some lacy numbers from a less expensive store, in the new size, to see how universal the process is. I wish they had brought me a 36B in their fancy brand so that I could confirm that they're not just playing mind-games. I actually went home and tightened some shoulder straps and tried some of my old bras again. Some I discarded but some are okay. This seems mysterious. Anyway, here's the moral of the story: If you are uncomfortable in your bra, there is probably some sort of problem and trying on new sizes is the only way to fix it, with or without a knowledgeable person to stare at your naked breasts.