I'm starting my blog with a picture of a tuner because I'm buying one because my oboe teacher got giant scary eyes when I told her I don't have one. I'm not feeling bad about it because she has this same tuner so, you know, it's something people need. Now I'll discuss my weekend. I play oboe in a Baroque ensemble which generally just plays during church on Sundays. The music is generally over my head, which is why I am taking lessons. Several weeks ago, my conductor asked me if I would play 2nd oboe in an afternoon concert, which he conducts each year. I said I would. Then, I started hearing people talk about how they had chosen not to play in the afternoon concert because the music was too hard and there would be only one rehearsal. Shoot. I'd already said 'yes' and didn't feel like I could back out. So, I practiced. A lot. I purchased a recording on iTunes and practiced along to my iPod. I have never worked this hard at my oboe playing in my life. I felt very proud. That's the background.
So, I got in my car Saturday morning at 8:30am to find that it was gas-free, thanks to my loving husband. The rehearsal was at 9 but I didn't have any choice. I got to the church, couldn't find a place to park, parked far away, and then couldn't find an open door...long story short, I was late. Very late. No one else was late. The orchestra was halfway through the first (of ten) movement when I arrived and I COULD NOT get to my seat without disturbing people. So, I put my instrument together, soaked my reed, wandered around the perimeter of the orchestra, and waited for a pause in rehearsal. Awkward. I recognized very few people, this because almost everyone in the orchestra for this particular concert, was a professional. Great. I found a pause, a route, and some courage, and bustled to my seat next to, oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the 1st oboist was MY TEACHER! No pressure.
I actually did make it through rehearsal but it was very tense and I made a couple of mistakes, one which caused the 1st oboist (my teacher) to put out her hand and count out loud to me. Fantastic. So, at the end, everyone just dispersed. I felt like someone should have congratulated me but they didn't. So, I went around apologizing to various people for having been late (the conductor, my teacher, etc.) hoping that this would cause them to point out to me how brave and hard-working I'd been. Nothing. Just a lot of, "Well, you're here now." sort of comments. So, I had lunch with my friend, who is a generation older than I and always makes me feel a little bit like I've misbehaved. I explained to her about my hectic morning and she pointed out to me how I'm frequently late. I explained to her about how I just wanted someone to say, "You're doing fine." and she said, "You're too old to need that sort of affirmation." I mean, honestly, am I? Am I just too old for people to be nice to me and tell me I'm doing a good job? Should I consider this feeling and tell people who are older than I am when they're doing a good job? Because I generally only do this for younger people.
Anyway, concert day arrived and I felt sick all day. I put on my concert black and arrived very early. I was not first but I was something like 3rd to arrive. I got into my seat and did not throw up. My teacher came in and got arranged as well. I brought in two reeds. We tuned and my teacher said, "Flat, pull out." Now, this is tricky because, when you're flat, you push in, so now I'm just confused. The first movement was 15 minutes long with relentless playing and a long pause before the 2nd movement. I was frenzied and tense and so so anxious but I made it through with little incident. At the end, my teacher whispered, "Are you having a good time?" I said, "No, not really." I said, "I'm worried about my pitch." She said, "That's because you're sharp." Shit. Shit. Shit. Now I have to finish the piece but I'm even more nervous than before! I changed reeds and adjusted my instrument and I made it to the end. Not an awesome show but I generally knew where we were and I played most of my notes. I looked at my teacher and said, "I think I fixed the pitch." She confirmed, kindly, that I had fixed my pitch. As I was exhaling, my friend from lunch the day before came and said (as a somewhat sarcastic joke), "You did an excellent job," in reference to my comment the day before. I don't think it's too much to ask! So, then I turned to explain to my teacher what was happening. At this point, she was very nice, explaining how she was busy playing and didn't think about reassuring me but that I had done just fine. Phew. Then she made the face with the big eyes when she recommended that I spend some time with a tuner...and I said that I don't have one... Oh well... So, regarding the "flat, pull out" comment: Apparently, since we were tuning to the organ, what she meant was that the organ was flat and so I should pull out, since that would make me sharp. Crap.
Bottom line: I'm apparently too old for affirmation and reassurance. This depresses me.
4 comments:
I think it could have been phrased differently. It's not that at this point in our lives we should have outgrown wanting kind affirmations, but that the majority of people think that we don't need them. You probably don't offer words of encouragement to older people because you assume they know they're doing okay. Does that make sense? At some point (age or experience-wise) I would be worried that my mentioning to someone that they're doing a good job would be taken as a, ummmm, well, not in the way I intended. I mean, if my advisor said something like, "You're really good at doing PCR." In my head I'd be thinking that of course I'm good at PCR, I've been good at PCR for awhile now, did you just notice?
I guess what I'm attempting to write is that I would take non-comments as a positive thing and think that perhaps the fact that you'd like a commendation doesn't register because you're doing well and no one would think you need it...
It's very impressive that you're doing this! How hard core. I know what you mean about the affirmation, though. But probably Janet is right - even though I have no ability to judge your oboe playing abilities.
1) You're never too old for affirmation, and I wish people would realize that. It isn't even an age issue. If anything, it's an issue having to do with your status (you: a student, mean teacher: your superior)
2) You can come to my lab and play oboe for me, and I'll give you cookies. I think I still have a relatively good ear for pitch.
3) Is that really a tuner? It looks like some kind of radar device.
Thanks everyone, for being substitutes for the nastier people in my life. I think you're right. This probably indicates that everyone thought I was comfortable and happy, particularly since no one could see my face while looking at their music, which I suspect looked a little like my little scared cat, whenever I walk in the room.
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